The Story of Christmas

MAURY SHOW, "WHO'S YOUR DADDY?"

aired December 9, 2005 15:00 EST

RUSH TRANSCRIPT. THIS COPY MAY NOT BE IN ITS FINAL FORM AND MAY BE UPDATED.

[VOICEOVER INTRO]: These women have babies and deadbeat partners who are denying their children. Watch and find out who's your daddy, today on Maury.

MAURY POVICH, HOST: Hi, there, thanks joining us. Today we hear from women whose boyfriends and husbands are disputing their children and want a paternity test. Stay tuned.

[commercial break]

MAURY: Welcome back. Our first guest today on the show is Mary, a young homemaker. She has a young son named Jesus, a beautiful baby boy (CUT TO BABY JESUS IN GREEN ROOM) whose father, Joseph, now has questions about his paternity. We'll bring Joseph on the show in a moment, but first let's say hello to Mary.

AUDIENCE: [applause]

MAURY: Now Mary, I understand that the birth of little Jesus was kind of rough. Can you tell us a little more?

MARY: Well, we were goin' to where Joseph, that's my husband, where he from 'cause he, like, owed some money to some guy or something that he had to take care of. Well, I'm like real big at that point, I'm gonna drop this baby any minute, and I find out he didn't make no hotel reservation or nothing. So we're like out in the cold knockin' on doors and [deleted], tryin' to get us a room. Finally some guy say he got a place out back, like a shed or something, and I'm like, 'we'll take it, I think this baby's coming'. So we in this little tool shed and all of a sudden the baby [unintelligible] is out and we don't have no crib or nothing, so Joseph puts the baby in like a trash can with some hay that was lyin' around.

MAURY: Wow, that sounds like an ordeal. And when did Joseph start denying that he was the father?

MARY: Well, he was cool with the baby for awhile, but then he started talking some trash about how some friends be telling him that maybe the baby weren't his.

MAURY: Well, we've got Joseph backstage, but before we bring him out, we asked him about the situation. Here's what Joseph had to say:

[CUT TO VIDEOTAPE]

JOSEPH: My name's Joseph and I'm Mary's husband. We got a baby boy, Jesus, who I'm starting to think might not be mine. I heard from these dudes Gabriel and Angel that maybe someone else had something to do with it. I got my suspicions, and if it turns out that Mary is a low-down lyin' ho, we're through.

MAURY: OK, let's bring him out! Here he is, Joseph, come on out!

AUDIENCE: [boos]

MAURY: How you doing, Joseph, good to have you on the show. Now, can you tell us why you think Jesus may not be yours?

JOSEPH: Like I was saying, Maury, these dudes in the neighborhood, be telling me that they heard the child wasn't mine. But I had my doubts before that. Like, I'm a carpenter, all my people are carpenters, but my boy, he's like, showing no interest, know what I'm saying? He's hanging out with lambs and sheep and [deleted] all the time, you know what I'm saying? Ain't no shepherds in my family.

MARY: That don't mean nothing! You can't tell nothing from that!

[crosstalk]

JOSEPH: Plus, he don't even look like me! Look, Maury, look!

[jumps up and points to monitor at back of stage]

My eyes are brown, I got big ears. His eyes blue and he got tiny ears. And look at that halo! No one in my family got a halo!

MARY: That's on my side of the family! You're [deleted]! [deleted]!

[crosstalk]

MAURY: Now wait, wait, wait, wait, we're going to settle this in a minute, but Joseph, you said that you had other reasons for suspecting Mary wasn't telling you the truth. Can you tell us about that?

JOSEPH: Well, a couple days after Jesus born, these couple of high rollers show up with some real expensive [deleted], uh, gifts for Jesus. I never seen these dudes in my life, and they were like 'We come bearing gifts for the son of God'. I was all like, 'Who the [deleted] is God?' Mary was acting all stupid, like, 'they musta made a mistake'. She took the loot, though.

MAURY: What do you say about that, Mary?

MARY: Oh, they was just some confused old rich people. But you know how they always say if you don't order it but they deliver by mistake you don't have to return it?

JOSEPH: You didn't--

MARY: Shut up! Shut up! You [deleted]!

JOSEPH: You didn't tell them he wasn't no son of God! You [deleted] [deleted] deleted] ho! Plus, I did the math! I counted when he was born and we hadn't even did it yet when he was conceived!

MARY: You lying! You lying!

[crosstalk]

MAURY: OK, OK, OK, we're going to settle this right now. We've given Joseph and Jesus a DNA test and we've got the results right here

[takes envelope]

MAURY: Joseph, if it turns out that Jesus isn't yours, what are you going to do?

JOSEPH: I'm gonna kick her to the curb, yo. I can't be having that.

MARY: I'm telling you, he's your child! Take some responsibility and be a man!

[crosstalk]

MAURY: OK, calm down, calm down. Here are the results of the paternity test. Joseph, when it comes to baby Jesus, you are NOT the father!

MARY: Oh my God!

[runs offstage sobbing]

JOSEPH: [deleted] bitch! See? See? See? 'I don't know nothing about no God'! Lying skanky [deleted] bitch-ass ho!

MAURY: We'll be right back.

[commercial break]

That's, Like, So Gay

Aravosis and crew over at Americablog have their letter-writing panties in a wad about something that just doesn't strike me as worth my bile: Apparently Ford Motor Co. has bowed to pressure from Dobson's clowns at the AFA and pulled their ads from gay publications such as the Advocate.

True, it's disappointing that Ford would even give those morons the time of day, but then again, they're a giant corporation that exists solely to sell as much shit as possible and so they apparently think they'll sell more monster trucks (perhaps their only profitable line) to homophobes and rednecks than to the Fire Island set. But is it really worth the time to undertake a campaign for what amounts to the right to be advertised to? "Dammit, we demand to see advertisements for Land Rovers and Excursions in our niche-market magazines!"

As they say, one ought pick one's battles wisely.

Mr. Mom

Today begins my two-month paternity leave, as K returns to work. On this occasion I'd like to ask when our society will become civilized--put its money where its lip service to "family values" is--and pay mothers and fathers a decent stipend to stay home for a year after the birth of a child. The US ranks right up there with Lethoso and Swaziland in the realm of paid parental leave.

K and I have the relative "luxury" of enough accumlated leave at our respective jobs to enable us to be paid for almost all of our FMLA-guaranteed leave, but what about single parents? Those working 2 and 3 jobs to make ends meet? And once leave is up, what about the daycare prospects for those who can't afford the equivalent of a mortgage payment for decent childcare?

L ended up in a terrific daycare which she loved, and which probably more stimulation and learning opportunities than either K or us could have provided on our own, but still the fact remains: the first time I left L at daycare, in the care of strangers, was without a doubt the worst moment of my life.